Everyone has a story of woe and wow, and at times we can learn from those who have walked the walk of addiction, pain and desperation and who have found the courage and wisdom to change. I have been there and have found that all people have the capacity for change, no matter how deeply buried in these feelings of complete desperation that often accompany addiction.
I had no idea how each of my own decisions were affecting my life; until I ended up an alcohol driven, panic stricken, compulsive drunk. I fell in deeper and deeper and eventually became tortured every minute of every day, as I hid inside addiction and fear brought on through the brain changes from this poison. It was not long before I no longer new rational life; I had unconsciously traded for the irrational thinking, as I battled alcohol abuse, panic attacks and physical and mental health depletion, as I was robbed, beaten, dumped on, ridiculed and kicked out to the curb to die, for my bad decision making.
This devastation had engulfed my mind, body, spirit and soul. I had no idea what was happening in my life or mind, just that it was taking everything from me, including killing every hope, dream and vision that I ever had. The torment and pain was ever increasing and never ending, something had a stranglehold on my life and would not let go. I was stranded in a whirlwind of addiction and panic, while watching my life disappear into a blur of confusion and desperation as I felt these forces ripping and tearing my mind and soul in half; one side would not let go and let me live, the other side would not let go and let me die and I felt that there was no hope as I just wanted to die and this is what alcohol and drugs has to offer so many lives.
I eventually ended up homeless and as a lost teen I was scared and trying to fit in somewhere, but nobody wanted a scared, depressed, drunk hanging around and I became very sad, sick and very lonely, while battling addiction and agoraphobia.
I would find a place in the cold dark night to sit and shake and ride the panic train all night and then spend the new day preparing for another night of terror and freezing. I longed for a safe warm night’s sleep and to believe for a moment that someone cared about me enough to wonder if I was dead or alive, hungry, or ?, I needed someone who cared that I was hurting so bad. One doctor helped; he told me I was going die. The alcohol was eating me alive and I had a lot of internal pain, damage and bleeding, my eyesight was failing, I had lost a lot of weight and was near crippled; in mind, body and spirit, I was having violent seizures, often waking up in the hospital, to be thrown back out in the streets once sober. On one trip they tried to admit me into a mental hospital, but found nothing wrong, outside of the addiction, which they no longer treated. So they also threw me back out in the streets.
So here I was; a self proclaimed nobody, living in a state of walking death, where nobody wanted me; family and friends did not care to have me around, it did not seem like God wanted me, the hospitals and mental institutions did not want me, I surely did not want me, what else was there? The bottle wanted me, but it wanted me sick and dead and did achieve its goal. I was in my twenties, in convulsions and my heart was stopping, the blood alcohol level had peaked. My behaviors finally had beaten me down and the alcohol was going to kill me, it was sad, but I did not know how to break these ties of severe addiction.
There was nothing in this world that could have saved me! Or was there? At the last minute I found that this oppression could be beat and now no matter how far gone your life feels, it is time that you see that there is more than a chance for you and it starts with your next decision and goes on, one decision at a time, forever.
I also “felt” that there was nothing that I could do, but I was wrong, because anyone can live beyond the, “I felt’s”, and start making good decisions based on, “I can” regardless of the feeling, and this is where you can learn how to live a life free from the excuses, fears and oppressions of addiction thinking.
So start making good decisions, even when it is hard; and when you feel that you cannot do it, do it anyways and if you are afraid, then do it afraid. It is time to start listening to the person inside you that wants to hear what you can do; not those that tell you what you cannot do and you need to spend the rest of the days and nights thinking about every next productive good decision that you can make, for you and start making them, one at a time.